All Things, Ranked

Welcome to the 97th edition of Tuesdays With Mitch, where I’m going completely off the board with a very different post today. Let’s get into it…

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A recent trend I’ve noticed and enjoyed in the blogging/Twitter world has been the rankings of a certain, generally random category or criteria. These lists typically offer no explanation or reasoning for each ranking. The list is the list, as determined by the list-maker. That’s it. This lack-of-explanation, I’m-right-you’re-wrong format lends itself to vehement disagreement from perplexed readers. (For example this “Ages 40 and Under, Ranked” list inexplicably ranks the age of 21 as the 38th best age, which is completely appalling.)

These things always have the same title format, which is:  “[Insert Category], Ranked”. Some of them are simple (“Superheros, Ranked“), some of them are very important (“Land Animals That Would F*** You Up In Hand-To-Hand Combat, Ranked“) and none of them are to be taken too seriously. Deadspin is probably the foremost authority in this realm. (They have a whole page devoted to their various “Ranked Lists” here.)

So during what might be the slowest sports time on the calendar and in need of some cheer with this crappy weather during the second-worst month of the year (see below), I compiled my personal rankings of all the random crap I could think of, because most of them are things that make me happy. While compiling these lists, I realized that ranking stuff comes naturally to my somewhat OCD personality. You’d be surprised how often I find myself driving home from work debating the merits of, say, milk vs. V8 Juice or Sundays vs. Fridays or Jager vs. Schnapps.

And yes, I actually put quite a bit of legitimate thought and personal debate into each of these completely pointless rankings that won’t mean anything to anyone. If you need me to defend any of my choices, come at me, bro. And keep in mind that all rankings are fluent and could change at any time; this is just where things stand as of right now. Okay off we go…

Foods, Ranked

  1. Steak
  2. Cheese
  3. Burritos (Non-Breakfast)
  4. Cereal
  5. Apples (Honeycrisp)
  6. Wings (Buffalo)
  7. Toast
  8. Chile (Green)
  9. Potatoes (All Varieties)
  10. Sweet Potatoes (Mom’s)
  11. Burritos (Breakfast)
  12. Lasagna (Mom’s)
  13. Seeds (Sunflower)
  14. Mac & Cheese
  15. Pancakes
  16. Burger (Bacon and Cheese)
  17. Pizza (With Cream Cheese As One Of Multiple Toppings)
  18. Whatever The Free Desert Thing Outback Steakhouse Gave Me On My Birthday About Five Years Ago Was

Famous Or Somewhat Famous Women I Have Never Met Who I Think I Want To Marry* (aka Mitch Hahn Swoon Index), Ranked

*Subject’s availability not a factor

  1. Kacey Musgraves
  2. Corey Rose
  3. Carrie Underwood
  4. Katie Nolan
  5. Allie LaForce
  6. Jessica Alba
  7. Kate Upton

Fast-Casual Restaurants, Ranked

  1. Chipotle
  2. Q Doba
  3. SmashBurger
  4. Noodles & Co.
  5. Subway
  6. Five Guys
  7. Tokyo Joe’s
  8. Panda Express

Beverages (Soft) Ranked

  1. Water
  2. Tea (Hot)
  3. Milk
  4. Tea (Iced)
  5. V8
  6. Coffee
  7. Orange Juice
  8. Gatorade (G2, All Flavors)
  9. Gatorade (Regular, All Flavors)
  10. Pop/Soda (All)

Beverages (All) Ranked

  1. Water
  2. Beer
  3. Whiskey
  4. Scotch
  5. Tea (Hot)
  6. Old Fashioned
  7. Whiskey-Coffee
  8. Whiskey-Coke
  9. Gin & Tonic
  10. Milk
  11. Whiskey-Sprite
  12. Tea (Iced)
  13. Manhattan
  14. Coffee
  15. Rum & Coke
  16. Bloody Mary
  17. Margarita (Rocks)

Liquors, Ranked

  1. Whiskey/Bourbon
  2. Scotch
  3. Gin
  4. Tequila
  5. Rum
  6. Schnapps
  7. Jagermeister
  8. Vodka

Days, Ranked

  1. TUESDAY*
  2. Saturday
  3. Sunday
  4. Friday
  5. Thursday
  6. Wednesday
  7. Monday

*Not really

Months, Ranked

  1. July
  2. June
  3. August
  4. December
  5. September
  6. October
  7. May
  8. November
  9. April
  10. March
  11. February
  12. January

Holidays, Ranked

  1. Christmas
  2. Thanksgiving
  3. Fourth of July
  4. Memorial Day
  5. Labor Day
  6. Easter
  7. Mother’s Day/ Father’s Day 100 Percent Tie (Hi parents)
  8. Halloween
  9. New Year’s Eve
  10. New Year’s Day
  11. St. Patrick’s Day
  12. President’s Day
  13. Columbus Day
  14. Earth Day
  15. Flag Day
  16. April Fool’s Day
  17. Valentine’s Day

Current TV Comedies, Ranked

  1. Veep
  2. Parks and Recreation
  3. Archer
  4. Louie*
  5. It’s Always Sunny In Philadelphia
  6. Workaholics
  7. Girls*
  8. Review
  9. Broad City
  10. Drunk History
  11. Tosh.0

*Kind of a comedy, kind of a drama. I went ahead and included them, which complicates things because now I don’t know if I’m ranking the BEST shows or the FUNNIEST shows. I remain unclear on this distinction.

Current Or Recent TV Dramas, Ranked

  1. Mad Men
  2. Breaking Bad
  3. Friday Night Lights
  4. Fargo
  5. The Americans
  6. True Detective
  7. Boardwalk Empire
  8. The Leftovers
  9. Better Call Saul (?)
  10. Justified

Musicians On The Current Major Country Music Radio Scene, Ranked

  • 1A. Zac Brown Band
  • 1B. Eric Church
  • 3. (None)

Okay that’s enough of that. If you have any questions or corrections on any of these 122 rankings, hit up the comment section.

Let’s hit a couple weekly departments…

Stud(s) of the week:

Lots of studs this week, starting with 88-year-old Lew Dunlop, who was not feeling this high heat at Rockies Fantasy Camp

Lew is awesome.

Aaaand here’s the most hilarious post game interview ever.

This guy would be more of a hero if he didn’t get caught, but he’s still a hero.

I don’t have time to count how many glass bottles of beer were confiscated but it appears to be a couple 12-packs. Astounding.

And touching stuff from Tom Crean in a post game presser:

Vine of the week:

So this is pretty wild:

And finally, here’s the coolest video I’ve seen in a long time, even though it appears to have been recorded using the flip phone I had in high school.

The lesson here is that Rams are badass.

Happy Tuesday everybody. Thanks for reading. See ya next week.

***

Comment on any of this stuff below, or email me at mdhahn1@yahoo.com with post ideas, videos or other media I should know about. Subscribe at the top right of this page. Follow me on Twitter @TuesWithMitch.

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4 thoughts on “All Things, Ranked

  1. Biggs

    The ranking of January as dead last has my mind boggled, especially behind February. I need 500 words of insight on that

    Reply
    1. Mitch D. Hahn Post author

      Bro what does January even have to offer? I could write a 500 word takedown of how stupid January is, but I don’t know where to start because there’s nothing to take down. I can’t even comprehend why one would comment on that ranking of all things. I didn’t know anybody anywhere gave a damn about January. Unless you have a birthday or anniversary in January (you don’t), it is 31 cold, gray days of nothingness. The first Monday in January is the biggest bringdown of the year. The holiday season is over and there is nothing to celebrate and no days off until Memorial Day at the end of freaking May, which almost SIX MONTHS AWAY. The weather sucks. The days are short. You get some NFL Playoffs but no Super Bowl, which February gets. At least February knows it sucks and gets out of the way in 28 days. January drags on forever. It takes everything from my soul and gives nothing in return. Screw January.

      Reply
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