Welcome to the 94th edition of Tuesdays With Mitch, where all balls are always properly inflated. (Boom! Got the mandatory ball joke out of the way right off the bat.) Let’s get into it…
If you haven’t heard, the Super Bowl is this Sunday and not many folks ’round these parts are very excited for it. Both teams are full of douche bags; both fan bases are insufferable. Also, each team is way better than the Broncos, so that doesn’t help either. But I come with good news! There IS one thing we can all rally around and enjoy on Super Bowl Sunday without concerning ourselves with the stupid outcome of the stupid game. Gambling! And not just the normal, run of the mill, point spread stuff. I’m talking really weird, random prop bets. Bets about Katy Perry’s clothes and the National Anthem being screwed up.
Now, I was in Vegas a few weeks ago betting on about 20 different college bowl games over the course of three days and if that performance is any indication… I’M TOTALLY DUE FOR A BIG WEEKEND. (I also vowed to never again bet on another sporting event, but let’s ignore that for the sake of today’s post.)
- How long will it take Idina Menzel to sing the US National Anthem?
- Over/Under: 2 Minutes, 1 Second
This one might seem completely random and unpredictable. It’s not. I’m here to help. Here’s Menzel (or Adele Dazeeb) singing the anthem at July’s MLB All Star Game:
I clock her at 1:59.27 in this version. So yeah, it’ll be close. Will she draw it out a little more on a much bigger stage? Will she be a little nervous and rushed with more than 100 million people watching? Who knows.
What we can count on is some actual research. In the above video, there is a noticeable pause– almost five seconds long!– after she sings FREEEEEEE while she waits for the flyover jets to pass and gathers herself for the big finish. There will be another flyover at the Super Bowl, but it seems too unlikely to count on another pause of that length. That’s the key!
There’s also this performance from 2008— before a Patriots game even!– in which I clocked her waaaayyy under at 1:34.99. Obviously the more recent performance is worth more of our attention, but this tidbit only reinforces where to put your money on this one.
THE PICK: UNDER 2:01
- Will Idina Menzel forget or omit at least one word of the national anthem?
- Yes: +500
- No: -800
Free money. No way in hell she forgets the words. She’s a pro. She’s not Christina Aguilera. Bet eight bucks. Win a dollar. Free freaking money. You’re welcome.
THE PICK: NO: -800
- Which song will Katy Perry perform first at halftime?
- Firework: 3/2
- Roar: 3/2
- This Is How We Do: 5/1
- Dark Horse: 12/1
- E.T.: 12/1
- Wide Awake: 12/1
- Waking Up In Vegas: 20/1
I think I’ve heard of two of these songs. I’m no help here. Sorry. But hey I would doubt she sings about Vegas in a game in Glendale between teams from Boston and Seattle. Just a thought.
- What will Katy Perry be wearing when she begins the Halftime show?
- Pants (below knees): 5/2
- Shorts (above knees): 2/1
- Skirt or dress: 4/5
Now, I might not know any of her music, but I’ve definitely paid attention to Katy Perry’s wardrobe over the years. Beyond that, I happily did some research on this one. A quick YouTube search of “Katy Perry Live” yields a lot of performances with Perry in some brightly colored weird-ass costume-type things that I guess would have to be considered a skirt or dress. No pants. I think I saw one pair of short shorts. Originally, my gut said the value play here was to gamble a bit and go with shorts. After all, Katy Perry can look awfully enticing in a pair of tight and short shorts. Upon further review, she’s too damn weird to even consider wearing something as normal as shorts on a stage of this magnitude. The payout is lower but take the free money.
THE PICK: SKIRT OR DRESS: 4/5
- How many times will “Deflated” Balls be said during the game? (From kickoff until final whistle. Live pictures only, any taped pictures or past video does not count towards wager. Halftime does not count towards wager. Must clearly say “Deflated” or “Deflate”. Book Manager’s decision is final. NO OVERLIMITS)
- Over/Under: 3
This one opened at 2 1/2 but has moved a very crucial half-mention (?) to 3. I’d like to get a solid, 100 percent ruling on the term “DeflateGate”, but from what I can see in that disclaimer any form of “deflate” counts. So in that case OVER OVER OVER OVER OH MY GOOD LORD OVER OVER OVER HAVE YOU PEOPLE BEEN NEAR A TV OR COMPUTER OR NEWSPAPER ANY TIME IN THE PAST TWO WEEKS THIS IS SO DAMN EASY THEY’LL SAY DEFLATE TEN TIMES IN THE FIRST FREAKING QUARTER. DEFLATEGATE IS ALL THERE IS IN THIS WORLD AND ALL THERE EVER WILL BE. ALL HAIL DEFLATEGATE.
THE PICK: OVER 3
- Bill Belichick Hoodie Type?
- Sleeves Cut: -150
- Sleeves Intact: +110
More free money! Why in the world would Belichick wear sleeves in this game? After two weeks of addressing that stuff about deflated footballs (have you heard about that?) he’s going to act as Belichick-ian as possible just to troll the masses. Also, the weather is usually pretty nice in Arizona. There will be no sleeves.
THE PICK: Sleeves Cut: -150
- Which color will Bill Belichick’s hoodie be?
- Grey: 1/2
- Blue: 7/4
- Red: 7/1
Time for more next-level research!
Here’s BB in SB XXXVI in 2002. BLUE! (Also, not a hoodie)
And in SB XXXVIII in 2004, BLUE again! (Also not a hoodie again.)
In SB XXXIX in 2005 the hoodie made its first appearance. It was GRAY.
In SB XLII in 2008 a RED hoodie made its only appearance. This was BB’s first Super Bowl loss as Patriots’ head coach.
In SB XLVI in 2012 he went back to GRAY in another loss to the Giants.
This season in the playoffs he’s gone BLUE against the Ravens…
…And BLUE against the Colts.
There is really no sense in picking Gray at -200. Blue’s odds at -175 aren’t much better. Red seems unlikely because it such a historically rare choice. I think Belichick will probably end up wearing a blue hoodie. But sometimes you gotta gamble a bit and that big number next to Red is really attractive.
THE PICK: Red 7/1
- What will be higher?
- Russell Wilson Pass Yards: -15 1/2
- US National Average Gas Price (in cents) on Monday, Feb. 2: +15 1/2
This has got to be the strangest damn prop bet I have ever seen. Can you imagine betting like $100,000 on whether the average national gas price will be within 15 1/2 cents of the total number of yards a quarterback throws for in a football game?! How do people even come up with this stuff? God Bless America. The gas price source Bovada is using is here. At the time of this posting it’s $2.038.
I’ll go with the gas and the 15 1/2 yards/cents because a couple days ago I think some guy on the news said the price might go up soon (I refuse to do actual research on this) and I don’t think Russell Wilson is going to have a very good game.
THE PICK: US National Average Gas Price (in cents) on Monday, Feb. 2: +15 1/2
Okay let’s transition to a couple of the props regarding the actual football game, even though they’re not as fun.
- Margin of Victory
- New England Patriots 1 to 6 points: 7/2
- New England Patriots 7 to 12 points: 11/2
- New England Patriots 13 to 18 points: 8/1
- New England Patriots 19 to 24 points: 14/1
- New England Patriots 25 to 30 points: 20/1
- New England Patriots 31 to 36 points: 35/1
- New England Patriots 37 or more points: 30/1
- Seattle Seahawks 1 to 6 points: 7/2
- Seattle Seahawks 7 to 12 points: 11/2
- Seattle Seahawks 13 to 18 points: 8/1
- Seattle Seahawks 19 to 24 points: 14/1
- Seattle Seahawks 25 to 30 points: 20/1
- Seattle Seahawks 31 to 36 points: 35/1
- Seattle Seahawks 37 or more points: 30/1
I think the Patriots have a pretty good shot to win this game comfortably. The best combo of realistic margin of victory and appealing odds is New England by a couple touchdowns and the opportunity to turn 100 bucks into 900.
THE PICK: New England Patriots 13 to 18 points: 8/1
- Who will have more Passing Yards in the game?
- Tom Brady: -39 1/2
- Russell Wilson: +39 1/2
Will Brady throw for 40 more yards than Russell Wilson? Hell yes he will.
THE PICK: Tom Brady -39 1/2
- Will there be a safety in the game?
- Yes: +550
- No: -900
Safeties happen. I even saw one in a Super Bowl once! Pretty solid odds. Why not?
THE PICK: Yes: +550
- Will a 2-point conversion be attempted in the game?
- Yes: +200
- No: -250
2/1 odds for either team even attempting to go for two at any point in the game? Too good to pass up.
THE PICK: Yes: +200
- Shortest successful field goal in the game
- Over/Under: 24 1/2
After Mike McCarthy made an idiot out of himself by kicking it from the 1-yard line twice in the NFC Championship game, I think each Super Bowl coach will be more bold. No kicks from inside the 7.
THE PICK: Over: 24 1/2
That’s enough of that. And please keep in mind that since I am the one making these picks, they are all very likely to be 100 percent incorrect.
Let’s move on to the weekly departments…
Douches of the week:
The Cincinnati Bengals are not granting permission for the Denver Broncos to formally interview Vance Joseph for their vacant defensive coordinator position. The Broncos have made it clear that Joseph is on the top of their list. Joseph has paid his dues as a defensive backs coach and has a great opportunity to continue to climb the ranks of the NFL coaching ladder, but his current employers are forcing him to stay where he’s at. That’s douchey!
I’m a little bias here because I would much rather the Broncos hire an up-and-comer like Joseph than a crusty old retread like Wade Phillips or Mike Smith.
Still though, what stupid way for the Bengals to run their organization.
Stud of the week:
Mike Krzyzewski (totally spelled that without looking it up) won his 1,000th game on Sunday, which is just an amazing number. I think Coach K has to be considered the greatest college basketball coach of all-time, just ahead of John Wooden because Shashefsky has done his incredible work in a much different and more difficult era.
A lot of people hate Duke, but I’ve always found Coach K to be classy and gracious, going about his business without much controversy.
You should also read this long profile from ESPN the Magazine.
Vines of the week:
Blake Griffin is freaking hilarious:
The Ohio University Bobcats beat Buffalo on a pretty incredible walk-off, buzzer beating dunk. Props to the school’s official Vine account for nailing those six seconds, too.
I can’t even comprehend what is happening here but I’m pretty sure it’s awesome.
Some other stuff from around the internet:
A new “Bad British Commentary” dropped today. TICKLE ME ALL THE WAY TO THE BANK! I just love these damn videos.
New Mexico guard Hugh Greenwood has a mom battling cancer and Greenwood is active on Twitter. Knowing the trolls that lurk on Twitter, that might not necessarily be the best combo. Greenwood, though, found some motivation from some disgusting anonymous Tweets. This is great.
Ball kids in tennis are really weird. This dude just stands there and let’s a serve hit him right in the… balls. And we all know people getting hit in the balls is always hilarious! At least he protected the sanctity of the sport or whatever.
Here’s the GIF:
And finally, just in case you’ve been stuck under a rock the past few days, here is the latest NFL version of Bad Lip Reading. Still awesome.
Dez really likes his Funyons.
Happy Tuesday everybody. Thanks for reading. See ya next week.
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