Welcome to the 68th edition of Tuesdays With Mitch, where IF BLOG THAT BAD DON’T READ! Let’s get into it…
Dick Monfort has had a rough week. He’s doing interviews that people are not too excited about. He’s sending unkind emails to fans. He’s buying fans breakfast because they’re mad at him. Every talk show host and blog is ripping the guy to shreds. Well I want in on the fun, except I have a different stance on the matter.
I am here to defend Mr. Monfort, who when you really think about it, is actually a reasonable and awesome owner of one of the nation’s great franchises.
Let’s start with the issue that got all of this silliness started, the email Dick sent a Grand Junction fan who filled out a comment card at Coors Field after the Rockies were shut out on July 4th. The entire email read, “If product and experience that bad don’t come!”
First, as a writer I think we should take a moment to admire his word count efficiency. Too often these days we’re stuck reading something completely bogged down with unnecessary nonsense because the writer is being paid by the word. Dick Monfort ain’t got time for that and neither do I. Why respond to your paying customers like a professional and use complete sentences with punctuation and articles when IT’S JUST AN EMAIL? Those are like one step above Facebook messages and stupid 12-year-old girls send those all the time, the same way Dick sends his emails. So props to Dick for that.
Sure, you may say he replied to paying customers with unnecessary hostility and bluntness and the general tone of a completely out of touch dilrod. But have you ever been really drunk* and read like 1,000 emails and comment cards consisting of strangers calling you an idiot when you’re pretty sure you’re actually a genius that’s done nothing wrong? No? THEN WHY ARE YOU JUDGING THE MAN?! I bet it’s hard to practice restraint in that situation.
**Probably his brother Charlie’s fault
The next thing Dick did made fans even more mad. He emailed another fan (who was being awfully insensitive) the following: “By the way you talk maybe Denver doesn’t deserve a franchise, maybe time for it to find a new home. Thanks.”
People got pretty heated over this one.
You people need to just relax. The ol’ threaten-to-move-the-franchise is a classic move for all the great sports owners.* Sure, you may wonder why any owner making millions of dollars every year from high attendance numbers while consistently a putting a losing team on the field would say something so obscure and outrageous to a passionate season ticket holder.
*I don’t have any examples of this.
But this is actually a really solid strategy. It’s a great way to make sure the people who care about silly things like “baseball” and “payroll” and “wins” and “playoff appearances” and “division titles” stay away from Coors Field forever, which ensures more sales on the Party Deck from disinterested patrons at their company parties. DUH! That’s who we really want at Coors Field, you nincompoops.
He was probably just joking around anyway. Don’t be mad at him just because you don’t understand hilarious dry wit. And worst of all, nobody is even giving Dick credit for saying Thanks to the fan. That was very polite of him considering the guy who wrote the email wasn’t being very nice. Although I’m not sure why Dick decided to almost use complete sentences in this one. Seems like a wast of time.
And of course, when Dick does the right thing and randomly emails another fan who was mean to him and asks to go to breakfast, you people don’t even acknowledge that he’s being a really nice dude. They went to Snooze! I’ve never been there but several girls I know won’t shut up about it. (“You’ve NEVER!!!! been to Snooze??” /Over the top ‘I’m shocked’ face/ “Omigosh what is wrong with you?!”) So yeah, that’s like a super nice thing to do. He’s probably going to take every disgruntled fan to breakfast at Snooze at some point, so just be patient and wait your turn and you’ll get an english muffin or something eventually. Then everybody is happy! And don’t try telling me this was just an awkward PR stunt that didn’t even go well because at that point you’re just grasping at straws. There’s no need to try to ruin an honest Snooze date. I hear Snooze is really good!
The interview I mentioned above caused a kerfuffle for a few reasons. Dick doesn’t know what he’s doing. Dick is good at business but doesn’t understand baseball. Dick’s unwavering commitment to an incompetent GM provides the franchise with no hope, blah blah blah.
Well let me ask you this, hot-shot: Have you ever run a multi-million dollar operation with one of your good buddies? Has that buddy ever been pretty crappy at his job? Did you have literally no idea how to replace him or where to look for replacements or even an understanding of why a replacement would be beneficial? No? Then again I ask you, WHY ARE YOU JUDGING THE MAN?! Firing your high-profile friends is probably hard, especially if you have absolutely no idea what would be the next logical thing to do after the firing.
Sure Dick refuses to acknowledge essentially a single problem with the franchise he owns. But maybe he’s just an optimist. Maybe he’s always thinking Nah, nah we’ll be alright. This team is actually really good. I don’t care what their record has been for the past 15 years. That’s an admirable quality as far as I’m concerned. Keep on the sunny side! If we would all just be as optimistic as Dick none of this would even be an issue. That seems like some important food for thought for all of you Dick haters.
And one more thing! Check out this super studly picture I found while writing this:
Do you really need more evidence that this is a man you can trust? I think that pose says it all.
So there ya go, upset Rockies fans. I’m here to tell you that everything is actually great. Dick Monfort is doing his best and he’s pretty awesome owner. So stop being so mean to him.
I don’t think he likes it when you’re mean to him.
Off to the weekly departments, which are all limited because I was “off the grid” (as they say) for pretty much the entire weekend…
Stud of the week:
Olympian and fellow CSU Ram Amy Van Dyken continues to inspire after her ATV accident. She’s been amazing.
Douche of the week:
That Dick Monfort guy is a pretty big douche.
Tweet of the week:
Jose Canseco might be the biggest idiot on Twitter, which makes him a must follow. (He once got into an argument over gravity and dinosaurs with Bill Nye The Science Guy.) Anyway, I was just minding my own business at work yesterday when I learned he has two turtles named “Roid” and “Rage” and one of them has some really impressive bowel movements.
Vine of the week:
This isn’t all that exciting, but here’s how Charlie “Chuck_Nazty” Blackmon (just recently) showed up to tonight’s All Star Game:
The man’s got style.
A couple links worth sharing:
- Mark Kiszla wrote a really, really stupid article on LeBron James for some reason. Then Drew Magary of Deadspin tore the article to pieces.
- Did you know LeBron James is going back to Ohio or whatever? He is. And his announcement piece in SI is actually worth reading if you haven’t already.
- So is Lee Jenkins’ long feature that was published online today from this week’s magazine. Lee is good at what he does.
- Joan Niesen of Sports Illustrated wrote about the education of John Elway the executive. This dropped today. (Gotta be honest, I haven’t read this yet but it’s probably good.)
Picture of the Week:
Here’s some neat back hair at the ball yard.
As always, you’re welcome.
Some other stuff the internet had to offer from the past week:
…will return next week.
And finally, I don’t really have anything funny or sports related for you in this spot either. But my guy Sturgill Simpson was on Letterman last night performing my favorite song off his new album. You won’t hear it on the radio, but this is the best new country artist out there. Simply put, this dude is the shit:
Happy Tuesday everybody. Enjoy the All Star Game tonight. Root for the National League so the Rockies will have homefield in late October. Try not to vomit while watching everyone slobber over that American League shortstop with the .647 OPS. Thanks for reading. See ya next week.
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