Monthly Archives: May 2014

Your Weeekly Roundup From The Sports World And Internet

Welcome to the 62nd edition of Tuesdays With Mitch, where I have a shortened post due to the holiday weekend. I was too busy eating burgers and steaks and drinking (lots and lots of) beer the past few days to be a productive blogger. Oh well. Let’s get into it…

We’re jumping straight into weekly departments.

Douche of the week:

Giant’s color commentator Mark Krukow accusing Troy Tulowitzki of cheating is as douchey as it gets. This story is now a week old, but it’s still annoying. Of course, it was longtime Giants’ broadcaster Jon Miller who accused the Rockies of cheating by switching out humidor balls with non-humidor balls a couple of summers back. And now we have another instance of someone on the Giants’ payroll publicly ringing a bell that can’t be unrung. Calling into question the integrity and reputation of an orginization and player should not be taken lightly. These guys seem to do it whenever the Rockies win a few games over the Giants.

What bugs me the most about all this is the way the Giants, their (mostly new) fans and broadcasters all act like they are suddenly God’s gift to the game of baseball because they won two World Series. They’re now as bad as Cardinals fans (and broadcasters) in thinking they are baseball royalty.

Obviously the easiest retort to these bizarre accusations is to bring up the size of Barry Bonds’ head. Miller and Krukow didn’t have much to say about that when Bonds was cheating his way to record-breaking seasons.

Everyone associated with the Giants is pretty much a douche bag.

Stud of the week:

Never let a foul ball interrupt a midgame snack. This super chill bro is how we should all aspire to catch a foul ball, complete with the Oh hey I got you this to the ladyfriend.

Tweet of the week: Dick Vitale’s Twitter account remains awesome because of stuff like this.

He’s the best, BABY.

Vine of the week:

You might need to watch this a few times before realizing what you’re looking at, and I’m not talking about Ian Desmond or his bat.

Gross, dude. That head-snap is no joke.

This is another pretty cool way to catch a foul ball. Not as cool as our snack-eating stud, but still worth a spot this week.

The end of this Lance Stephenson flop is just hilarious.

Check out this classic 5-6 putout:

And finally, we can all use more angry Charles Barkley in our lives.

Happy Tuesday everybody. Thanks for reading. I should have more for you next week. See ya then.

***

Comment on any of this stuff below, or email me at mdhahn1@yahoo.com with post ideas, videos or other media I should know about. Subscribe at the top right of this page. Follow me on Twitter @MitchDHahn.

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Weekly Roundup!

Welcome to the 61st edition of Tuesdays With Mitch, where… let’s be honest, it was a pretty slow week in the world of Colorado sports. No worries, though. I got you covered with your WEEKLY ROUNDUP! Let’s get into it…

The NBA Draft Lottery is tonight. The Nuggets have a 5.4 percent chance of landing a top-3 pick. If they don’t get super-lucky with that, they’re looking at the 11th spot (or possibly 12th-14th, thought that’s fairly unlikely) in next month’s draft. According to most NBA Draft experts, they would likely be looking at a player in the range of Gary Harris, Nik Stauskas, Zach Lavine or Doug McDermott. These guys can all play, but it’s hard to envision them as franchise-changing superstars. It will be interesting to see how it all plays out. Regardless, they probably should have put together a more concerted tanking effort.

Did you know the NBA Playoffs are also going on right now? They are! It’s true! I haven’t mentioned them much (at all?) here because the first couple rounds are too long, boring and generally uninteresting. I can’t believe the Heat didn’t lose to the Wizards in the second round! Anyway, these two conference finals should be pretty entertaining. It’s too late to make an official prediction, but I think we’ll be looking at the Heat and Spurs again. I’ll take the Spurs to win it all.

Attending the Indy 500 with dudes like this would be a pretty good time. (Photo credit)

Attending the Indy 500 with dudes like this would be a pretty good time. (Photo credit)

I know the real reason you all read this blog, INDY 500 ANALYSIS! Are you pumped? I’m picking that foreign guy with the hot wife and fast car. On a more serious note, the 500 is on my bucket list. Partying on the infield with a bunch of hicks from Indiana on Memorial Day Weekend sounds like an absolute blast.

The Rockies had an interesting week that saw a no-hitter roll into the seventh inning at Coors Field, a triple play, and this walk-off homer:

Is there any personal accomplishment in a team sport that is cooler than a walk-off homer? I guess a game winner at the buzzer of an intense basketball game is in the same category. I can’t include a game-winning field goal because kickers don’t really count and there’s not the one-on-one, me-vs.-you aspect to kicking a ball through the uprights. Yeah, walk-offs are pretty awesome.

Anyway, that was a cool moment for Justin Morneau, who continues to enjoy hitting in this lineup. The homer meant the Rockies won another series at home. They have won all seven at the keg this year, which is a pretty sound formula for success.

The biggest series of the still-young year begins tonight, a three-gamer vs. the first place Giants, who lead the Rockies in the NL West by three games and currently have the best record in the National League. The Rockies absolutely have to beat the Dodgers and Giants if they hope to contend for the division.

Things don’t get easier after this series, when the Rockies are on the road for nine in a row. It makes for a tough stretch for the Rox, but if they can keep winning– or really, just keep their heads above water– they’ll be set up quite nicely when June rolls around. After the aforementioned road trip, 16 of 27 games will be at the keg.

The most recent road trip was a rough one that produced a 2-5 record. But I noticed a significant difference in my analysis and mindset compared to years past. Instead of an Ohh God here comes the collapse mentality, I simply thought Yeah it happens, they’ll be fine.

For whatever reason, things feel a little different this year.

I thought this GIF of Austin Jackson realizing Miguel Cabrera is from another planet was pretty hilarious. This is Jackson’s reaction to an unreal, late-inning, go-ahead homer from Cabrera.

Coincidentally, Cabrera is makes an appearance in my other favorite GIF of the week. This is pretty damn great.

I like the guy in the red vest who is all Hey look, I see a baseball player. But for real, Cabrera deserves some major props for this simple little move to make a young fan’s day.

On to the weekly departments…

Tweet of the week:

I thought it was pretty cool of the Rockies to get these two together because every time McKinrey struck out or threw the ball into left field I always thought Damn, Wes Welker kind of sucks at baseball. Why is he on the Rockies all of the sudden? Turns out they’re different people.

Stud(s) of the week:

This kid.

The look on that girl/lady/woman’s face is priceless.

Also, HERO CAT! HERO CAT! HERO CAT! HERO CAT!

That cat is a damn American hero. (That’s why he is now called Hero Cat.)

Also, I can’t figure out how to embed InstaGram videos on here, but this dude in the silver slacks is sooooo studly.

Douche of the week:

Nuggets’ center Timofey Mozgov was in a really strange photo shoot for Esquire Russia. The photo below is one of like ten different pictures of this giant dude sullenly staring off into space while wrapped up in a bunch of shirts. It is really, really strange, man. Are all Russians this weird? Mozgov is probably not a douche, but this photo shoot is very, very douchey. It is also weird. Very weird.

via the Russian version of the Magazine called Esquire or something like that but really, who cares?

Picture of the week:

This shot of Andrew Wiggins and his vertical leap made its way around the web pretty quickly. It is kind of mind-blowing.

A couple links worth sharing from the past week (lots of good stuff!):

Take nine minutes and watch this great SportsCenter feature on the Oklahoma City tornadoes, one year later. Moving stuff.

Drew Magary is one of the more unique writers on the web. His yearly commencement address to the class of 2014, “How To Suck” is definitely worth your time.

I just discovered a website called “Humanitarians of Tinder.” It’s pretty great.

Ted Berg taking batting practice off Mariano Rivera and relating it to the loss of his brother is a sad, thoughtful piece.

This E:60 report from Jeremy Shaap on the slave labor conditions in place to prepare for the World Cup in Qatar is unbelievable. Required viewing.

And finallycongratulations to all you graduates out there. For the college grads, it’s all downhill from here. The real world can be a pretty shitty place if you’re not careful. (I’m still trying to come to terms with the fact that I graduated from college four years ago, meaning I’ve been out of college longer than I was in it. Weird.) That said, this classic speech will never get old, especially when accompanied by some sweet late-90s animation. (Can you believe it’s actually now 17 years old?)

I love that speech, but you’ll never get me to floss on a regular basis, so QUIT TRYING, WORLD.

Happy Tuesday everybody. Enjoy your Memorial Day weekend. Grill a burger and drink a beer and be glad you live in America.  Thanks for reading.  See ya next week.

***

Comment on any of this stuff below, or email me at mdhahn1@yahoo.com with post ideas, videos or other media I should know about. Subscribe at the top right of this page. Follow me on Twitter @MitchDHahn.

Can the Rockies Keep Winning?; Thoughts On Kapri Bibbs

Welcome to the 60th edition of Tuesdays With Mitch, where we’re happy to see the last snow of the season melt away and finally yield to summer. Big post this week. Let’s get into it.

Jordan Lyles has come out of nowhere to save the Rockies’ rotation. (Chris Humphreys-USA TODAY Sports)

We’re at the quarter-post! And the Rockies are still good! That’s cool! Exclamation points!

The Rockies have played 40 games (in 42 days) and are 23-17, good for second place in the National League West. At this point, they’re generally considered surprise NL West contenders and are being recognized as one of the better teams in baseball through first quarter of the year. Raise your hand if you thought you’d read that sentence a month and a half ago.

Because Rockies fans are wired a little differently, I get the feeling everyone is just waiting for the inevitable collapse. So should we expect this team to keep winning? Will the positives to continue? Will the problems be fixed?

3 things that have gone well:

1.  Troy Tulowitzki has been the best player in baseball by a laughable margin. He’s been really good on the road (.901 OPS) and just silly at Coors Field (1.775 OPS, which is… like, comical). As I said last week, if he stays healthy, the Rockies have a shot to make the playoffs.

Is this sustainable?

Tulo’s current pace is absolutely not sustainable. That would result in the best season anyone has ever had (I’m assuming, although maybe some of those Bonds ‘roid years would be comparable). Anyway, he won’t continue to be statistically 127 percent better than the average MLB’er (wRC+ of 127, hooray advanced stats!), but he will be an MVP candidate and, it looks like, the best player in the game (if healthy). Offensively and defensively, what we’ve seen from Tulowitzki has been special. I hope you’re appreciating it.

2.  Charlie Blackmon, Nolan Arenado and Justin Morneau have all been really, really good. Blackmon has the 2nd highest OPS in the league at .998, which is kind of unbelievable after 40 games. Morneau is 7th (.949). Arenado is hitting .341 since April 9th. These three have made the Rockies’ offense the deepest, most dangerous in the game.

Is this sustainable?

I think so, yeah. Some slippage should be expected, but I think these three will continue to be very productive hitters all year. Blackmon was a surprise, but he’s hitting over .350 with 145 at-bats. He’s not going to fade away. Arenado is only going to get better as he becomes more disciplined at the plate and learns to draw more walks. Morneau will benefit from the return of Michael Cuddyer, which will allow him to sit a few games vs. lefties and keep him fresh throughout the year.

3.  Jordan Lyles has been a savior. The Rockies are 6-2 in games he has started. . Since April 19th he’s 3-0 in five starts with a 1.85 (!) ERA. Most impressive: In three starts at Coors Field, where people are supposed to hate pitching, he’s 3-0 with a 1.25 ERA (!) and a WHIP under 1.00.

Is this sustainable?

Sure. He won’t keep his ERA under 2, but Lyles has mastered the official recipe for success at Coors Field by inducing a crapton of goundballs. If he keeps the ball on the ground, he’ll be fine all year.

3 things that have gone wrong:

1.  Injuries to the starting rotation.

The team’s best starting pitcher last year was Jhoulys Chacin. He did not make his first start until May 4th. That was a big blow to the rotation. Tyler Chatwood, the team’s third best starter last year, missed his first few starts, then made four starts, then left a game early, then was day-to-day, then was put on the 15-Day DL, then was moved to the 60-Day DL. Who knows if he’ll pitch again in 2014? This is a big blow to the rotation. Brett Anderson, perhaps the team’s most important offseason acquisition, made three starts before breaking a finger and landing on the 60-day DL. This is a big blow to the rotation.

Is this fixable?

Hard to say. One has to figure that at some point such significant time lost to such significant pitchers will catch up to the Rox. And it still might. But so far, Franklin Morales has filled in admirably alongside the aforementioned Lyles. If either Anderson or Chatwood comes back and is effective, that would be a big lift in the middle of summer. Also, fireballer Eddie Butler could make an appearance in the bigs within a couple of months.

2.  The struggles of Carlos Gonzalez and Jorge De La Rosa. Coming into the season, a reasonable argument could be made that these are the two most important players on the Rockies’ roster. So it’s pretty remarkable the Rockies were able to maintain a winning record with them starting the year with serious struggles. JDLR started 0-3 in four starts with a 7.86 ERA. Through April 28th, CarGo was hitting .232 with a .283 OBP. Those numbers are pretty horrible.

Is this fixable?

Already been fixed, bruh. In the Rockies’ last 12 games Gonzalez is hitting .327 with a .978 OPS (and that includes going 0-10 in Cincinnati). As we all assumed, It was just a matter of time before Cargo busted out of that long slump. De La Rosa is 4-0 in his last four starts with a 2.63 ERA and flashes of ace-like dominance. These guys are just fine. That storm has been weathered.

3.  Injuries to Michael Cuddyer and Wilin Rosario. (More Injuries!) Cuddyer slammed into a wall one night and left the game. It was a concerning moment, But he started the next game… aaaand then was hurt running down the first base line. He was day-to-day. Then he landed on the 15-Day DL. His 15 days were up 11 days ago and he still hasn’t played. Rosario has the flu or something and is also on the DL. As Drew Goodman seems to say on every Root broadcast, that’s about 50 homers and 200 RBI sitting on the bench. (They actually combined for 41 and 163 last year.)

Is this fixable?

So far, the Rockies have somehow weathered this storm as well, thanks mostly to Blackmon, Arenado and Morneau. I’m confident both Rosario and Cuddyer will return in the near future and have productive seasons that make the Rockies’ lineup even more outrageous.

So, yes I think the Rockies can keep winning. There’s still 122 games left so we need to be reasonable here, but the Rockies are a good team. They ought to be a good team throughout the year.

Moving on…

Dawn Madura/The Coloradoan

Kapri Bibbs went undrafted over the weekend. He left school after his sophomore year. So naturally, now he’s taking a lot of crap for making a stupid decision. This reaction is expected and not without reason. No doubt, countless Rams fans are left shaking their heads wondering what their offense would have looked like with Garrett Grayson handing to Bibbs for another year (or two).

Of course, Bibbs signed with the Broncos as an undrafted free agent, so he still has a shot to make an NFL roster.

But Bibbs is far from the only underclassmen wondering if he made a bad decision. His situation is not unique and requires a little perspective.

Dennis Dodd explored this epidemic Monday. Among some of the more notable quotes from his piece (just one from a number of different sources devoted to this topic):

Perhaps the most overlooked story of draft weekend, though, was record unemployment. That came after a record 98 underclassmen declared for the draft resulting in a record 36 such players going unselected.

That’s a failure rate of almost 40 percent.

It’s happening more than ever. Way more.

To put the fallout of the college dropouts in perspective, this is the 25th year since the NFL welcomed underclassmen. (The rule actually says players are eligible for the draft three years past high-school graduation.) Almost 10 percent of all underclassmen left undrafted in history (36 of 378) were passed over last week.

For further perspective, the average for the past 24 years has been 14.2 undrafted underclassmen per draft. That number increased last week more than 2 1/2 times.

The reason for all this change:

For the fourth consecutive year there were a record number of early entries. Just about everyone saw it coming. Ever since the last collective bargaining agreement instituted a rookie salary cap three years ago, it’s largely become a chase for that second contract. The thinking is the quicker a player gets to that second (uncapped) deal the quicker he gets paid.

Bibbs probably made the wrong call, but there are three dozen other underclassmen left lamenting a changing system. There’s plenty of blame to go around on this trend and most of it should certainly fall on the shoulders of the players themselves. But that said, I have to think the players are just taking advice from people they trust. And those people are chasing their cut of a paycheck.

Bibbs thought the time was right and he took his shot. He missed horribly and now he might be kind of screwed. But I have a hard time putting all of the blame for Kapri Bibbs’ situation on Kapri Bibbs.

On to the weekly departments…

Tweet of the week: 

I have a lot of issues with this tweet. The official account of the NATIONAL FOOTBALL LEAGUE! sent this one out as Johnny Manziel was waiting a surprisingly long time to be selected during the first round of the NFL Draft Thursday night. Maziel is a polarizing figure (I think he’s awesome; you probably hate him) and the number one source of conversation for this year’s draft. He was sitting in the New York green room being shown on TV every few minutes looking awkward, bored and sad while waiting to hear his fate.

Naturally, the Twitterverse was having a blast making fun of the guy with hashtags like #BeforeMazielGetsDrafted trending worldwide, which is fine and fun. But for the NATIONAL FOOTBALL LEAGUE! to jump in and try to capitalize on the guy’s long night to gain some (15,000) Retweets of their own was pathetically unprofessional

I’ve mentioned before that I’m very much in favor of official Twitter accounts being more original, trying harder, having more fun. But to openly taunt one of your newest employees for the sake of some social media publicity is a horrible look.

Maybe the NATIONAL FOOTBALL LEAGUE! should stick to what they’re good at, like denying and blatantly covering up their role in the cause of serious disabilities in hundreds of employees.

Stud of the week:

This gentleman in the white shirt should probably be considered a douche for completely failing to pay any attention at all while sitting in the front row at a professional baseball game. But let’s pretend this genius that came about 2 inches from his death is just really badass. Like he knew he was safe in a Matrix-y kind of way. Check out the casual head turn at the last instant that saved his life. Like he’s saying Why are you people freaking out? The ball is clearly going to hit that open seat. Idiots. That’s pretty studly. Seriously, this dude could have literally died. What a horrifying GIF. But being completely oblivious to your surroundings in dangerous, life-threatening situations can actually be considered studly. I guess. Dude is one cooooool cucumber.

Douche of the week:

I can’t decide if Yasiel Puig is a douche or not. I feel like a lot of his douchier antics are born out of a lack of preparation for fame in the United States, which isn’t really his fault. Either way, he thought he got all of this one. Not quite. This is legit.

Picture(s) of the week:

I thought these two pictures the Rockies posted of Coors Field yesterday were pretty wild. They were posted (and presumably taken) about eight hours apart (On May freaking 12th).

 

 

A couple links worth sharing from the past week:

This is the only NFL Draft analysis you need to read. It’s so very spot on.

Clay Travis on the self-righteous internet mobs becoming a problem is thought-provoking.

The newest artist renderings of the coming Colorado State on-campus stadium are awesome.

Speaking of Johnny Manziel, this Grantland piece on the developments of his Thursday night is really fun and well done.

And some other fun stuff (all baseball apparently).

Wowzas in me trousers! We have a new “Bad British Commentary”! These videos are absolutely hysterical.

A few weeks ago I spent quite a bit of time on Bartolo Colon. I said we will see him again in this blog, and he came through with another helmet-losing swing this week! YAY!

Old fat dudes trying to hit professional pitchers should be required in every baseball game.

This is pretty much Vin Scully in a nutshell. It would be real awkward for anyone but the Dodgers’ broadcasting legend to say these things.

And finally, old ladies are awesome. Reaaaalllly old ladies throwing baseballs in an old-timey manner on Mother’s Day are reaallly awesome.

Happy Tuesday everybody. Thanks for reading.  See ya next week.

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Comment on any of this stuff below, or email me at mdhahn1@yahoo.com with post ideas, videos or other media I should know about. Subscribe at the top right of this page. Follow me on Twitter @MitchDHahn.

 

How To Sneak In To Better Seats At Coors Field

Welcome to the 59th edition of Tuesdays With Mitch, where the NFL Draft is approaching quickly, which means people will finally stop talking about the freaking NFL Draft. I hope. I honestly think people analyze the Draft more than Super Bowl. That doesn’t make any sense to me. Anyway, I’m in baseball mode these days and I’m here to impart some wisdom. Let’s get into it…

Coors Field is awesome. But don’t sit in the third level like a loser. (Getty Images)

If you sit in the third level at Coors Field, you’re doing it wrong and you’re a chump. Similarly, if you’re paying face value for tickets in the first level, you’re doing it wrong and you’re a chump.

Sneaking into good seats at Coors Field has been a Colorado summer tradition since 1995. My personal battle with the mostly-elderly, purple-clad ushers has been well-documented among my fellow attendees and generated plenty of useful experience.

Illegitimately sitting in the first level used to be quite a bit easier than it is today. Something changed in the mentality of the ushers around 2007. For some reason attendence went up around that time and the higher-ups at Coors decided you should have to pay good money to sit in good seats. I disagree with that philosophy. Lucky for you, the most experienced of sneakers-down (I’m going to use that term a lot) is opening up and sharing his complex secrets with the rest of the world.

So buy some cheap tickets and follow this guide on how to watch some Major League Baseball from legit seats in the nation’s most beautiful stadium.

Before diving into specific strategies, let’s discuss some general rules of thumb. These are important.

  1. Only attempt to sneak down if you are with a small group. I’d say the maximum number of sneakers-down is three, maybe four if you’re all experienced. (Even then, I’d go one or two at a time). If you’re celebrating some drunk girl’s birthday with nine other people, you’re probably out of luck. Head up to the Party Deck or Rockpile. It’s not like those drunk girls care about the game anyway; it’s your fault for attending with them.
  2. Be realistic. Only expert level sneakers-down should even attempt to sit in the sections behind home plate or the dugouts. The ushers posted up at these sections take their jobs way, way too seriously. I’ve seen old ladies grab dudes by the back of their shirt. These seats are occuppied by season-ticket holders that give the ushers hugs and show them pictures of their grandkids. It’s a whole different world back here. Similarly, you shouldn’t really try to sneak down at certain games. Don’t bother for any of the 2014 playoff games or other sellouts. Too crowded. You can pull it off with big crowds, but attempting during an actual sellout is a little too ambitious.
  3. Be aggressive and put the pressure on the usher. Like rounding third with two outs, sometimes you need to force the defense to make a play. Never make eye contact. Keep  your head down. Move quickly. It’s also a good strategy to have your hands full so retreiving your ticket out of your pocket seems like an unnecessary hassle for everyone involved. You want to see my ticket? Okay, but I’ll have to hang up on this person I’m pretending to talk to and hold my beer in my mouth and you have to take my other beer and this hot dog.
  4. Don’t be too afraid to get caught and have a back up plan. If I get asked for a ticket when trying to enter a section, I generally say something along the lines of Oh yeah my buddy/mom/dad/whoever has mine they should be coming over soon. Then I stand there with a quizical look on my face scanning the fans for my pretend companion before slowly drifting back into the concourse crowd like Shoeless Joe in a cornfield. The usher leaves the park that night gazing at the moon and wondering if I even existed at all. Now, if I’m already seated and an usher comes to give me the boot I usuallly hand him or her my $4 Rockpile ticket with confidence and annoyance as if to say Yeah old man, I know what I’m doing. Here’s my ticket. I usually get quite a kick out of the usher shaking his head, turning and pointing across the stadium at the Rockpile. What? You mean this four dollar ticket doesn’t grant me access to this 2nd row aisle seat? Oh. I’m sorry. Honest mistake.
  5. Be prepared to be stuck at your seats. If you’re content with your seats and don’t feel like bouncing around different sections, you’re not going to want to go to the bathroom every couple innings unless you’re confident in your re-entry abilities.

Okay, now you’ve got a feel for the methodology of the situation. Let’s talk about a few of my favorite specific strategies.

IMG_2892.JPG

Don’t be fooled. This is the face of the enemy. (Found that very random picture here.)

  1. “The Piggyback.”  This is probably the most effective method I have for you. At the end of every half inning as the crowd files in, there will be a pile-up of people waiting at the top of each section while the usher waits for an at-bat to end. This is a dream come true for sneakers-down like you and me. It’s pretty simple:  Smush yourself into the crowd away from the usher and merge down unnoticed as he or she checks the others’ tickets. In the right situation, it’s nearly impossible for an usher to actually check the legitimacy of each person’s ticket. Again, it helps to keep your hands full. And keep your head down without eye contact. Sometimes I flash the back of my ticket at the usher, but that’s mostly for my own entertainment.
  2. “The Bolt.”  This is the ballsiest (cool word!) of all my methods. Attentively wander the concourse near the ushers’ posts. Keep an eye on each point of entry and be ready to make a dash at a moment’s notice. If an usher engages a fan in a friendly conversation or is grabbing a less fortunate sneaker-down or is getting really into the Tooth Trot or is just like eighty years old and out of it… BOOM, down you go. You have to be quick and fairly nimble to pull this one off, especially if you’re holding two full beers. And you have to keep moving. Linger around a single usher for more than an at-bat and you’re on their radar for the rest of the night.  This strategy is tough for more than one or two people to execute, but a few highly-experienced sneakers-down can get it done.
  3. “The Friendly Usher.” A few years ago this dude out on the pavalion would wander his aisle spraying fans with water from a squirt bottle every half inning on warm days and nights. He was the best. I must have sat in his section 10 times that summer. I’ve also heard rumors of people simply asking the usher very nicely if they could sit in their section (what a concept!) but I cannot verify the legitimacy of these rumors. These kind of things seem to be increasingly rare, but if you can find a lucky spot or get to know the tendencies of a particular usher, you might as well take advantage.
  4. “The Shift.” This method is used for improving your seats once you’ve already snuck down. It’s also fairly simple, but can really improve your vantage point. After each half-inning (or pitching change) get up and move down a few rows and over a section or two. Some of the more self-important ushers will be keeping an eye on this from their post atop the stairs, so you’ll want to blend in with the crowd. Again, this won’t work for highly-attended games and sometimes you might have to jump up or down a row of seats to avoid annoying the entire first level, but when executed correctly can move you from the foul pole to behind the dugout. Seriously.

So baseball fans, I hope you’re able to use such important advice in the near future. Never let the ushers win. If you know of any other strategies I’m neglecting, hit up the comment section.

On to the weekly departments…

Tweets of the week: (Hopefully you have noticed what Troy Tulowitzki is up to.)

(Those numbers went up after last night’s performance.)

(The mathematical impossibility of the last one means he’s joking.)

For me, the bottom line with all of this is as follows:  If Tulo stays healthy, the Rockies have a shot to make the playoffs.

Stud of the week:

We’ll go with Damian Lillard because of this moment. A walk-off SERIES WINNER! (And perhpas the best Vine ever.)

 

Wes Welker handing out hundred dollar bills from a giant stack of cash at the Kentucky Derby is also studly, mostly because of this picture, in which he is dressed like a munchkin:

For The Win

Douche of the week:

A new (very) douchey picture of Tom Brady surfaced this week, so that’s exciting!

Picture of the week:

This dude picking up hats on the ice is enjoying some of the perks of his fun job.

Getty Images, The Big Lead

And some other stuff, starting with this poor guy:

If I had any of my embarrassing moments with the ladies immortalized in GIF form, I would never surface again, Bartman-style.

This made me laugh.

Here’s a video of a dog. You people really like dogs.

And finally, she probably said yes once the segment ended.

That guy is a real-life version of Andy from Parks and Recreation. And he’s awesome.

Happy Tuesday everybody. Thanks for reading. Somebody tell me when the four Colorado State players get drafted, because I will be watching something else, like actual sports probably. See ya next week.

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