The Annoying People At Your Football Party

So, that didn’t go well.  (Getty Images)

Welcome to the 46th edition of Tuesdays With Mitch, where I don’t have much to contribute to the Super Bowl narrative on a Tuesday afternoon. It’s all over. In Denver, there wasn’t even any quirky or lighthearted aspects of the Super Bowl. We don’t care about the commercials. We don’t care about the halftime show. We don’t care about Joe Namath’s coat. There was just embarrassment and confusion. Dismay and desperation and depression. And dads on smart phones with crying kids.

(via Getty Images)

There were also annoying people at bars. I watched the game downtown at Jackson’s in LoDo. Jackson’s is a great Denver bar and it was packed and the atmosphere was awesome… For the first 12 seconds of the game. Anyway, a guy behind me helped me come to an important realization. This gentleman was screaming various forms of the word “F–K!” at various players during every single play of the game. Every single play. Every. Single. Play.

A handoff to Moreno around the edge on 2nd and 7: “OHH YOU BETTER GET THE F–KING FIRST DOWN!” Russell Wilson scrambles for a first down on 3rd and 6: “WHY THE F–K DON’T WE HAVE A F–KING SPY ON HIM?!” A poor throw from Manning that falls incomplete with no real intended receiving target: “DECKER CAN’T F–KING GET OPEN!” You get the idea. I don’t even mind the cussing. If you’re watching the Broncos play in the Super Bowl in Denver, you are probably going to hear some naughty words. Anyway, this brings me to my next point:  Watching important football games with large groups of people you don’t know kind of sucks. I present:  The Annoying People Of Large Football Gatherings. (Horray I found a way to write about the Super Bowl without actually writing about that horrible Super Bowl!)

We’ll start with the cute 21-year-old girls in pink Broncos jerseys (probably Decker) that couldn’t tell you what a first down is. These chicks are pretty standard at most sporting events. They take selfies for their Instagram accounts with their little stickers on their cheeks and big smiles. They are unavoidable. Pretty annoying, but not a real big deal. On the plus side, if the game goes south, the males who are actually football fans have something to shift their focus. This is the reason these girls are socially acceptable in the macho manly world of football and beer and big TVs and hot wings. Aaarrghh!

Next we have the I-kind-of-like-the-Broncos-but-really-I-just-want-to-get-wasted guy. “Dude, we gotta do shots for every Broncos’ touchdown!” on Sunday quickly faded into “Alright dude, we gotta do shots every time the Seahawks score or the Broncos turn it over or they show Richard Sherman on the sidelines or a Bronco gets tackled or they go to commercial!” Again, these guys are pretty standard for most sporting events. Comes with the territory. No big deal. (Unless he is trying to start The Wave at Coors Field, which is a classic move for this guy.)

(Dustin Bradford/Getty Images)

Broncos watch parties are filled with annoying people. (Dustin Bradford/Getty Images)

The next two characters are the ones that really irk me. Our third football party staple is the I-know-a-lot-about-the-Broncos-and-football guy. He is very excited to try to exercise his immense knowledge of all things pertaining to the game to anyone who is listening, which is usually nobody.

A fan’s casual observation of “They got Decker back to receive punts again.” is met with “Yeah dude they don’t trust Holliday inside the twenties because he has bad hands Decker has better hands he’s not as explosive but he’s more trustworthy Fox said he wasn’t gunna make any changes in the punt return game on Wednesday I read it online if it’s a crucial moment like if they’re down 5 with a minute left it’ll probably be Trindon yanno because he’s more explosive but Decker is gunna be back there for now.”

Okay, buddy. Thanks.

This dude loves to talk about players on the offensive line. Obviously he knows more about the Broncos than you if he’s naming offensive linemen! “What is Beadles even doing?!” or “Ohh man watch Manny Ramirez on this play are you kidding me?!”

And of course, he knows he should be coaching the team, even though he didn’t quite make JV in high school. “We have to get out of this cover two!” “He’s not even trying to look off the safety over the top.” “Watch the zone read here… WATCH THE ZONE READ.”

Lastly, we have my least favorite person at any large football gathering. The I’m-a-bigger-fan-than-you guy. This is the guy who finds it imperative that everyone knows just how passionate he is about his team. The “F-word” guy I’ve already discussed falls into this category. This guy is a bit of a spinoff from the last, knowledge dispensing, character. He wants you to know how much he knows, but really he just wants you to see HOW MUCH HE CARES. He probably started caring about the Broncos around the time Peyton Manning strolled into town but dammit if he’s not overflowing with passion these days. Look at his orange hoody! He just yelled so loud during that 22-yard kickoff return!  He’s wearing Broncos gloves! GLOVES! Did you see how focused he was when Moreno was slow to get up? He was so focused. He must really care. He is like a super fan. I wonder if he has a bunch of money on the game. Man, he must have a bunch of money on the line, because look how INTO IT he is! If something good happens I’m going to look over at him to see his reaction. If something bad happens I’m going to look over at him to see his reaction. Whoa, he just flipped over his basket of chips and some of them hit that girl in the back of the head and he didn’t even apologize! He is one serious fan! I wonder if he knows Pat Bowlen. Maybe I’ll ask him. No. No, I don’t want to interrupt his viewing experience with such a silly question. Yeah, I’m just going to stay out of the way and watch him react to the game. He is scowling at the TV mumbling into his GLOVES! I wonder what he is telling his GLOVES. Look at him just completely ignoring his friends. They’re talking to him but he’s so mad he doesn’t even care! Ohh man he just stepped outside to get some air. He doesn’t even smoke, he just walked out to the patio in the cold because he COULDN’T TAKE IT ANYMORE!

We get it man.

This dude is just the worst. Something tells me the guy leaning on the table quietly watching each play with his arms folded cares just as much as you do, he just doesn’t crave the attention.

Moving on…

Stud of the week:

The Seahawks. Going into the Super Bowl I thought the Broncos were the better team. Now, I think if those two teams played ten times, Seattle wins at least nine of them. Percy Harvin is a game changer. That defense is nuts. Russell Wilson does enough. Props to Seattle, the best team in the NATIONAL FOOTBALL LEAGUE! by a wide margin. Those dudes are good.

Douche of the week:

The Broncos. Because what the hell was that?

Tweet of the week:

I’m sure there were lots of hilarious tweets about the Super Bowl. I wasn’t about to read any of them. Sorry.

What to watch the next seven days:

Depending on who you ask, the end of the Super Bowl means it is officially college basketball/NBA/NHL season. I’ve pretty much lost interest in the Nuggets, so they don’t make the cut this week. Not a whole lot of college basketball peaks my interest until Saturday, when just about everybody is in action. (Colorado State hosts UNLV tomorrow night. The Rams have been competitive in just about every Mountain West game; they just can’t close out any good teams.) (Colorado has gone from a top-20 ranking to the bubble. They host Washington State tomorrow night). The Avs continue to win games, so they’re worth your time. They play tonight, Thursday and Saturday on the East Coast.

And we can’t forget the Olympics. The Opening Ceremonies are Friday night on NBC. Keep on eye on NBC, NBC Sports, USA, MSNBC and CNBC for coverage that figures to be pretty much constant.

Here’s an important story from Sports Illustrated about an NFL player’s struggles after football. It’s worth your time.

See if you can count how many words Popovich gives in this interview:

`

CSU Basketball fans should get a kick out of Tim Miles helping a fan ask his girlfriend to marry him. You don’t usually see this kind of thing from college basketball coaches, but Tim remains a pretty cool dude.

(Tip of the hat to fellow WordPresser Luke Binder for the assist on that one).

And finally, if Richard Sherman references don’t pain you too much, you should watch this incredible video from Frank Caliendo. (Don’t worry it’s not really about Sherman).

`

I think his Schefter is just hilarious.

***

Happy Tuesday everybody. Thanks for reading. This week will be better than the last. See ya next week.

Comment on any of this stuff below, or email me at mdhahn1@yahoo.com with post ideas, videos or other media I should know about. Subscribe at the top right of this page. Follow me on Twitter @MitchDHahn.

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7 thoughts on “The Annoying People At Your Football Party

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