Why We Should All Hate the Patriots

Welcome to the 43rd edition of Tuesdays With Mitch, where I’m trying to find someone willing to talk about the upcoming AFC Championship game. Haven’t had much luck, so I guess I’ll get the conversation started.

The Patriots receive a good amount of hate from most corners of the football world throughout the year. For Broncos fans, though, it’s time to take that hate to another level. If you can’t get on board with some good New England bashing the week of a Broncos vs. Patriots AFC Championship game, you aren’t much of a Coloradoan or Bronco fan.

It starts with their awful quarterback.

Tom Brady is one of the best quarterbacks of all time, but dear Lord, he is awful. Truly an all-time douche bag. If you can watch Tom Brady play a whole game of football and never think to yourself Man, F*** him  then something is wrong with you.

A lot is made of his antics of screaming at the referees or his teammates or even one of his own coaches. I don’t really mind this stuff. Every decent quarterback does that kind of thing, including Peyton Manning and John Elway.

Tom Brady’s awfulness comes out when he’s off the field.

I’m not sure what to say about his dancing.

via mocksession.com

Or these magazine covers. Tom Brady has, without a doubt, appeared on the cover of more non-sports magazines than any athlete ever.

brady mags

How many other quarterbacks are being interviewed for stupid articles in Women’s Health Magazine? (My favorite quote:  “Guilty pleasure? A frozen margarita. Oh my God.”Yeah, I’m going to go with zero.

Peyton Manning is in a bunch of dumb commercials. They’re usually corny and poorly produced (“Hey Papa…”). But they’re definitely not as douchey as whatever the hell this is.

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Oh yeah… and he’s married to this person.

If that doesn’t make you hate the guy, I don’t know what to tell you.

This kid sums it up pretty well.

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So obviously Tom Brady is reason 1 to hate the Patriots. Reason 1A is their head coach. The cutoff hoody wearing, perpetually frowning, mumbling, lying, cheating, Bill Belichick.

Lookin good, Bill. (Damian Strohmeyer/SI)

The Hoody was certainly the behind the scandal that found the Patriots guilty of cheating in 2007, creatively titled by the media as “Spygate.” Belichick admitted to taping teams’ signals in closed practices dating back to 2000. The league fined Belichick $500,000 (the maximum amount a coach can be fined) and took away their first round draft pick in 2008. Since the scandal was revealed, the Patriots have won zero Super Bowls.

I can’t believe this isn’t talked about more.

But of course, the real reason to hate The Hoody is just the way the miserable, horrible piece of crap carries himself. He’s condescending to reporters and speaking to the press is seemingly a source of tremendous pain for this weirdo, even though that’s kind of  a huge part of your job description as head coach.

Earlier this week the Wall Street Journal did some in-depth investigative journalism. They figured out how many times Belichick smiled this season in this well-done video. (Not very many.)

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Here’s a reporter lobbing Belichick a softball during the holiday season. Naturally, Bill replies with a really fun, insightful, cheerful response.

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Just say Jingle Bells you freaking crazy nutjob.

And let’s not forget the gangster serial killer the Patriots decided to employ.

The Patriots are the only NFL team that decided to employ a gangster murderer in Aaron Hernandez. (Ted Fitzgerald, Boston Herald)

No other team would take a chance on Aaron Hernandez because it was clear he was a horrible person. The Patriots, well they are the Patriots, so surely a drugged out murderer would reform and change his ways under the tutelage of Tom Brady and Bill Belichick and Bob Kraft. Why? Because it’s The Patriot Way. And anyone so blessed and lucky to be a part of The Patriot Way would never screw that up. Yeah, or he would play games on acid and keep murdering people.

Then there’s Josh McDaniels. He drafted some good players for the Broncos (Moreno, Ayers, Bruton, D. Thomas, Beadles, Walton, Decker, Tebow). He also drafted some bad ones (Alphonso Smith, Darcel McBath, Richard Quinn, Perrish Cox, Tebow). But let’s be honest, the guy was always a huge douche and the Broncos couldn’t fire him fast enough. He’s now back with the Patriots as offensive coordinator.

And of course, we can’t forget the insufferable Boston sports fans. According to insufferable Boston sports fans, insufferable Boston sports fans are God’s gift to each and every sport. This group gets drunk and screams in the classic nails-on-a-chalkboard accent about the Pahhhhttts or the Red Sawwwwwx being the model franchise in sports.

I guarantee you that right now somebody, somewhere in the northeast is pounding a Sam Adams and babbling to a disinterested out-of-towner about the Patriots dominant, decade-long dynasty even though they haven’t won a Super Bowl in eight seasons. EIGHT FREAKING SEASONS.

That fact that the last Super Bowl the Patriots won was in the 2004 season seems to be easily forgotten among the entitled chowdaheads and the media.

Here’s hoping that come Sunday, the Broncos extend that streak and send the Patriots, their awful quarterback, miserable coach and insufferable fans to another long offseas0n.

OTHER STUFF

Douche of the week:

I don’t think Philip Rivers is that big of a douche. I actually find his childish antics to be pretty funny (more so when the Chargers lose). Anyway, I know most of you freaking hate the guy, so here are a few GIFs of Philip Rivers acting like an upset child. These are always thoroughly enjoyable.

via @cjzero

via @cjzero

Here’s Robert Ayers mocking our favorite little upset fella.

via @sbnationgif

And here’s the little tyke reacting to that big, game-sealing third down.

via @cjzero

That’s just really great stuff from your Douche Of The Week.

Stud of the week:

LaGarrette Blount. The Pats’ back ran for four touchdowns in the Patriots’ 43-22 win over the Colts. The Patriots ran the ball 46 times. Brady only threw 25 passes, completing just 13. Some of this is because the Pats had the lead and the ball in the fourth quarter, but the Patriots offense is now predominately centered around running the ball, much like the Chargers. Much is made about Tom Brady and Peyton Manning, but the Broncos’ rushing defense, which has been pretty good all year, is the key to this game. If Blount goes for 166 and four against the Broncos, it will be a long championship Sunday.

Tweet of the week:

I bring this up because I think the Chris Harris injury is really bad news for the Broncos. The Chargers scored all of their points after Harris was hurt. You don’t need the advanced stats of that tweet to know that Quenten Jammer looked horrible trying to hang with Keenan Allen, who caught two touchdowns. I think it’s up to Champ Bailey to move from the nickel and start in Harris’s place. Maybe this will happen.

What to watch the next seven days:

  • Denver Broncos vs. New England Patriots, Sports Authority Field at Mile High Stadium, Sunday January 19th, 1 p.m. MST. The Super Bowl on the line. That is all.

Here’s a video of all the times Peyton Manning said “Omaha” on Sunday.

And finally, here’s some interesting stuff regarding Brady that I haven’t heard mentioned once this week. Brady hasn’t played a road playoff game since the 2006 season. His career road playoff record is 3-2. His record in such games since the 2004 season is 1-2. One of the two losses was in Denver; the other in Indianapolis against Peyton Manning. Indeed, since winning the Super Bowl in the 2004 season, Tom Brady has one win on the road in the playoffs. The Patriot-loving national media hasn’t said much about this.

Mitch Hahn’s official prediction (sometimes I’m not wrong!): Broncos 39, Patriots 30.

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Happy Tuesday everybody. Thanks for reading. See ya next week.

Comment on any of this stuff below, or email me at mdhahn1@yahoo.com with post ideas, videos or other media I should know about. Subscribe at the top right of this page. Follow me on Twitter @MitchDHahn.

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4 thoughts on “Why We Should All Hate the Patriots

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