The History of Alex Rodriguez Being a Douche

Welcome to the 21st Tuesdays With Mitch, where I’m accepting my 50 game suspension without appeal. It is what it is.

Alex Rodriguez has been suspended for 211 games because he’s a cheater and liar. It’s an unprecedented situation for MLB. 12 other players have been suspended for 50 games. None of them are appealing their suspensions. Alex Rodriguez is appealing his. It’s pretty clear that he’s appealing only because he wants to prolong the process to salvage as much of his giant contract from the Yankees as possible.

I would argue that that makes him a douche. However, this douchey instance is only the tip of the douche ice berg when it comes to A-Fraud. Or A-Roid. Whichever you prefer. Let’s all enjoy a look back, in no particular order.

“Have you ever used steroids, Human Growth Hormone or any other performance enhancing substance?”

“No.”

“Have you ever been tempted to use any of those things?”

“No.”

So here we have a very purple-lipped Rodriguez calmly denying steroid use, when everybody knew he was taking ‘roids. That’s always a good move. After those first couple questions he quickly rolls in to talking about how good he is. Essentially saying, “Nah I’m too good to use PEDs.” Nice move, Alex. And why not defend the almost-equally douchey Barry Bonds to cap it all off!

I never read “gossip magazines.” Don’t understand why anyone ever would. Unless it has somebody saying this stuff:

“He was so vain,” his ex tells Us Weekly. “He had not one, but two painted portraits of himself as a centaur. You know, the half man, half horse figure?”

Adds the ex, “It was ridiculous.”

So this is pretty great. The dude has two paintings of himself hanging above his bed. That’s really, really douchey. But wait. There’s more. Those paintings are of him as a half man, half horse. That’s legendary doucheness. Just legendary. The internet had some fun with that one.

He also cheated on his wife. So that’s not very cool of him either. Oh yeah, and he cheated on his wife with the most famous, kinda-hot-but-probably-pretty-gross, cougar in the world. Madonna. Freaking Madonna! You can’t make this stuff up.

(photo courtesy MLB)

So thus far we have a douchey, purple-lipped superstar who has cheated at the game of baseball and lied about it on network TV. Then we have a report that he might be the strangest narcissist ever. Then we found he cheats in his marriage too. Good stuff, but let’s keep it going.

We also have three separate instances of Rodriguez being completely out of touch with the “unwritten rules” of baseball, which many of you may scoff at, but MLBers surely do not.

He almost started a brawl when he ran across the pitchers mound after making an out, causing Dallas Braden to freak out. You’re not supposed to do that.

More famous are his yelling at an infielder trying to catch a pop up. Huge douche move unless you’re playing kickball on recess.

(via Bleacher Report)

And of course in the 2004 ALCS he slapped the glove of Bronson Arroyo trying to tag him, causing Arroyo to drop the ball. After the play, he was ruled out for interference. An easy call for the umps, an easy target for people who like to call out douchebags.

(via bleacherreport)

Let’s not forget that after being hurt/bad for last year’s ALCS, he sent a ball boy into the stands to try to get a couple numbers. The guy is doing this during freaking playoff games. During the games! Yet another douche move that highlights how out of touch with the world this guy is.

Of course he was caught on camera watching the super bowl in a suite and being hand fed popcorn from an actress.

(via @mocksession)

Now, watching the Super Bowl with Cameron Diaz might not make you a douche, but use your own freaking hands to eat. You douche.

And of course he did a photoshoot and made out with himself for a little bit.

New York Daily News

Never in the history of douchey pictures has a douchier picture been taken.

To wrap this up, we can confidently surmise that Alex Rodriguez is a cheating, womanizng, lying, egomaniac. To put it nicely.

He’s also quite the douche.

OTHER STUFF

Siiiiiiirrr, I think you got the wrong workout program.

Solid crap-giving job by the announcers. Maybe he needed a smaller shirt.

How do you perfectly sum up both the Rockies and the Pirates this year?

Found this on extramustard.si.com

This didn’t count, but it was pretty sweet.

via @thebiglead / thebiglead.com

This has to gain some respect from his players.

25 reps of 225. Decent for an old dude I guess.

The Mariners are easily confused.

(via @sbnationgif)

Me? Righty? Him? Lefty? Me? Okay, him.

Pretty sweet.

(via @sbnationgif)

Quick college roundup:

Colorado State football is not expected to do well this season. I have fairly tempered expectations for the Rams this year, but this seems low. Fifth in their six-team division and 9th overall in the Mountain West. More on this later.

Colorado football is not expected to do well this season.. I’m not just trolling when I say that last place is an absolute no-brainer. More on this later.

Colorado State basketball rewarded Larry Eustachy with a new, long term contract through 2017 – 2018 with options to extend his tenure through 2020 – 2021. Just more proof that Jack Graham isn’t here to screw around.

CSU football has a new Twitter hashtag slogan. #1TTD is a thing that fans are supposed to say when talking about the Rams on Twitter. It means One Town, One Team, One Dream. Pretty pointless and borderline lame, but now you’re informed.

Joey Porter is back in Fort Collins as a CSU graduate assistant. Having a NFL Pro Bowler with the team can’t be a bad thing.

CSU Athletics opened a new apparel store in Old Town and it looks pretty awesome.

Here is a video of police trying to corral a bunch of squealing piglets on a highway.

`

And finally, this was just published on YouTube today. Expect to see it about 1 million times. Peyton and Eli channel their inner Lonely Island.

Initially I saw Eli with a Snookie-esque orange spray tan and thought this would be awesome. Then Eli started rapping and I cringed. But it picked up with some clever lyrics and it’s pretty solid. It’s 3 minutes long so hopefully it won’t be on every commercial break of every show and game I watch. If I can avoid seeing it 500,000 times I think we have a solid commercial/video on our hands.

Highlights include:

  • The introduction of Eli’s outfit at the 0:53 mark.
  • Peyton saying “Uh-huh. Yeah.” 25 times.
  • “Look at this guy using his phone as a phone.” at the 1:08 mark.
  • Eli gingerly rubbing his phone against a gold football simulating inanimate object love-making at 1:23
  • Consecutively rhyming phone with Simone, loan, throne and scone. Particularly the reference to smart phone usage on the toilet (let’s be real) and Peyton’s sweet air-buttering move at 1:40.
  • Eli’s bizarre milk-blouse analogy is a bit weird but I chuckled.
  • Archie saying “Uh-huh. Yeah.” one time is the single best moment in the video.
  • Eli taunting a dead Alexander Graham Bell? Nobody saw that coming.
  • Check out Peyton’s attempted finger-wag swag to wrap things up.

And finally finally, here’s what I think was the inspiration for the above, because why not:

`

Happy Tuesday everybody. Thanks for reading. See ya next week.

Comment on any of this stuff below, or email me at mdhahn1@yahoo.com with post ideas, videos or other media I should know about. Subscribe at the top right of this page. Follow me on Twitter @MitchDHahn.

3 thoughts on “The History of Alex Rodriguez Being a Douche

  1. dad

    well done. not sure on that manning thing. wondering where that will be shown since it’s so long. they obviously have a plan. alex is a strange human being whom i also despise. nice story.

    Reply
  2. Pingback: Thoughts on the Broncos’ Loss to the Patriots and What I’m Thankful For | Tuesdays With Mitch

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